1 00:00:02,069 --> 00:00:04,836 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,207 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,743 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,946 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:18,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,452 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,188 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:25,024 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:29,994 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:34,801 --> 00:00:37,102 We now return to Hotel TV, 11 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:41,339 the station that makes you feel like you're at a hotel when you're not at a hotel. 12 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,842 Have a romantic drink by the concourse fountain. 13 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,578 Or you can watch the big game at Chopper's Bar and Grill, 14 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,747 where they'll be pouring till 2:00 a.m. 15 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:51,361 Or maybe you're in the mood for something a little more exotic. 16 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,552 Try Jose Gato's Brazilian Steakhouse. 17 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:57,322 With rooftop views, plus a fine selection of blended rum drinks. 18 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,770 At the end of the night, you won't want to say "boa noite." 19 00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:04,630 And you won't have to, 'cause Chopper's is open, where they're pouring till 2:00 a.m. 20 00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,598 Should we go to Chopper's? 21 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,513 We interrupt this program to bring you a Channel 5 News special report. 22 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,603 Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. 23 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:15,607 Tragedy stuck Haiti today as the island nation was rocked by a major earthquake, 24 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,910 leaving thousands dead and injured. 25 00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:23,582 Coming up, local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot. 26 00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:27,652 There we go. There, there's Tom. There's the star. 27 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,322 Oh, my God. That's terrible about Haiti. 28 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,601 We got to do something to help. 29 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:32,991 No, we don't. 30 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:36,094 Relax. I'm sure Wyclef Jean has got it all under control. 31 00:01:36,163 --> 00:01:38,775 I've always talked about wanting to help in these situations, 32 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,532 but I never follow through. 33 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:44,203 Well, this time, I'm really gonna do it. I'm gonna start a blood drive. 34 00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:47,639 Good for you, Lois. You'll be a local hero, like Paul Revere. 35 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,307 The British will be here soon. 36 00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:52,277 We shall stand our ground and fight them to the death! 37 00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,012 Yes! Yes! 38 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,447 Although, I mean, one of us should probably warn everyone. 39 00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,083 You know, that the British are coming. 40 00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,385 I mean, not me. I mean, I want to fight. 41 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,620 I mean... Oh, shoot. I've got the horse. 42 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,033 I mean, but if anyone else wants to go... 43 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,657 I'll go. 44 00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:08,860 No one? All right. I'll make sure everyone remembers your names! 45 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,970 Wow, Lois, you really got a great turnout for the blood drive. 46 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,217 Oh, yeah. The whole thing's going off without a hitch. 47 00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:24,309 Well, except for that mosquito who keeps trying to sneak in. 48 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,844 Hi. I'm the new nurse. 49 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,179 Get out of here! This blood's not for you! 50 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,048 Aw... 51 00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:32,551 Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. 52 00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:35,319 All right, I'm happy again. 53 00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:38,100 I'm gonna go ahead and thank you for donating blood today. 54 00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:41,459 Donating? I thought we were getting paid! 55 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,443 Peter, everyone else here has donated except you. 56 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,712 That's not true. That guy over there didn't donate. 57 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,012 That's still you, Peter. 58 00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:51,269 Oh. 59 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,282 Well, if I got to donate, he's got to donate, too. 60 00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,206 You, get in here! 61 00:02:55,942 --> 00:02:57,509 Sucker! 62 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,043 Son of a bitch! 63 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:07,185 Lois! Lois! Mommy! 64 00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:09,454 Stewie, what's going on? You should be asleep by now. 65 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,334 I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman? 66 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,102 I need her to read me a bedtime story. 67 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,660 Oh, she's busy with the blood drive. 68 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,706 Maybe I can help. How about I read you this book? 69 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,931 It's called Apathetic George. 70 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:20,832 "George used to be a curious monkey, 71 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:24,469 "but after a month in captivity, all he did was wait for food. 72 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,337 "The zoo people wanted him to mate, 73 00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:28,173 "but he lost interest in that, too. 74 00:03:28,241 --> 00:03:32,143 "Twenty years and millions of dollars in zoo revenue later, he died." 75 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,990 Okay, I've had enough. All right. You know what? 76 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,481 I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here. 77 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,595 Well, I hope so, because I've tried everything. 78 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,719 Counting sheep, thinking sleepy thoughts. 79 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:42,532 I even hired the Sandman. 80 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:47,626 Sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night! 81 00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:50,395 Okay, I'll give you a tiny bit of this. It should help you sleep. 82 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,141 What is it? It's cough syrup. 83 00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,666 It's not really for kids, but a capful is pretty harmless. 84 00:03:55,502 --> 00:03:57,202 Mmm! 85 00:03:57,270 --> 00:04:01,439 Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne keeps almost dying from. 86 00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:04,776 Oh, this is so relaxing. I could get used to this. 87 00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:07,879 Like the way I got used to wearing European diapers. 88 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,081 Don't mind me. 89 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,849 I'm just grabbing a little cheese and vino. 90 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,299 If anybody needs me, I'll be poolside 91 00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:19,658 next to my weirdly hot girlfriend with dark teeth. 92 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,543 Well, Lois, I'm done giving blood. Just ask this guy. 93 00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,212 Is true, Lois. I sucked him dry. 94 00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:32,170 He gave a blood donation as well. 95 00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:33,738 Peter, knock it off. 96 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,207 Just give some blood, get your cookie, and be done with it. 97 00:04:36,242 --> 00:04:37,809 Cookie? Yes, Peter. 98 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:40,178 There are cookies for everyone who donates. 99 00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:41,658 Well, I already ate two wedding cakes, 100 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,058 but I guess I could go for a cookie. 101 00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:44,416 All right, I'll do it. 102 00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:46,250 Oh, Peter, you're doing a good thing. 103 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:47,997 Thanks, Lois, but you got to promise 104 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,266 you'll warn me before they stick that needle in me. 105 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,610 Actually, we just finished. 106 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,659 Wow, that wasn't so bad. 107 00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,262 See, Peter? And now you can have a cookie. 108 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,030 Oh, awesome! 109 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,531 Mmm. Mmm. 110 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,969 Oh, my God, these are delicious. Lois, you made these? 111 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,438 Yeah, I found one of my grandmother's old recipes, 112 00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:09,540 so I thought I'd make a special batch for the blood drive. 113 00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:12,277 Well, I'm glad you did. These cookies are amazing. 114 00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:14,946 They're even tastier than Connie Britton's hair. 115 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:19,951 Mmm! 116 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,764 God, your hair is delicious. 117 00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:25,457 Who are you? I'm the guy who killed your bodyguard. 118 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,140 Coming this fall to every network, 119 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:34,833 your favorite sitcom lines preceded by the word "uh." 120 00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,469 Uh, knock much? 121 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,807 Uh, that just happened. 122 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,479 Uh, so I guess this is a thing now? 123 00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:49,547 Uh, yeah, no. 124 00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:51,282 Uh, awkward. 125 00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:55,620 TV, that thing you used to watch. 126 00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:57,322 Oh, these are incredible. 127 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,723 Hey, you know something? 128 00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:00,669 If we sold these, we could make a ton of money. 129 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,538 Maybe we should open our own cookie store. 130 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:03,628 Are you serious? 131 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,363 Yeah, why not? 132 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:08,177 I mean, if George Foreman can make electric grills, we can do this. 133 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,713 I mean, I've seen that guy get punched in the face a thousand times, 134 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,448 and now he's making science stuff. 135 00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,583 Who'd think that idiot would still be walking around 136 00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:16,875 and Muhammad Ali can't even talk anymore? 137 00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:19,677 You know, having our own store could be kind of fun. 138 00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:21,279 And you'd really do it with me? 139 00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:22,680 Absolutely. 140 00:06:22,749 --> 00:06:26,551 Oh, Peter, that actually sounds kind of romantic. 141 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:30,122 I always wanted you and me to work on a project together. 142 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,389 Oh, let's do it! 143 00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:32,557 All right! 144 00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,737 Now, let's turn up the TV real loud 145 00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:36,872 so the kids can't hear us having sex. 146 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,132 Sex! Sex! 147 00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:52,110 There's my handsome business partner. 148 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,546 Now, we can't be late for our meeting with the bank. 149 00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:57,093 That's so cool you guys are gonna open a business. 150 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,350 Yeah, well, I got a ton of business experience. 151 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,219 I mean, I had that job creating ads 152 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,987 for the North Dakota board of tourism. 153 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,934 Hi. Do you like South Dakota, 154 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,769 but don't want to see Mount Rushmore? 155 00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,192 Come to North Dakota. 156 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,862 It's just a very long drive from wherever you live. 157 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:13,910 Best of all, most of the good license plates aren't taken yet. 158 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:20,505 Imagine coming here and having "Cool Dude" or "Yay Jews" or "Boo Jews," 159 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,418 depending on where you stand on Jews. 160 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,825 Stewie, what are you doing? Huh? 161 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,327 Oh, Brian, oh, there you are. I've been... 162 00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,752 I've been looking all over the table for you. 163 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:36,388 You know, I've got to tell you, this stuff 164 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,990 you gave me was a lifesaver last night. 165 00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:40,892 I was out like a light. 166 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:45,963 And, you know, normally, I'm up five or six times to scream and defecate. 167 00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:48,867 But you know what? I slept straight through. 168 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,936 Stewie, I told you, there's alcohol in that. It's not for kids. 169 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:55,006 You're not for kids. 170 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,155 Stewie, you're drunk. Oh... 171 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,377 Brian's all serious. 172 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:01,490 "Oh, I don't... I don't drink in the morning 173 00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:03,492 "because I've got to land a plane." 174 00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,596 All right, come on, I've got to drive you to daycare. 175 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:10,822 Okay, okay, it's all right. Calm down, calm down. Oh. Uh-oh. 176 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:15,159 Oh, I think I've... I think I've put my shoes on the wrong feet. 177 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:18,129 Is it 9:15 already? Lois, we got to go! 178 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,678 You know, I've got all the papers for the loan officer, 179 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,174 but I got to admit, I'm a little nervous. 180 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,655 Don't worry, we're gonna get this loan, no problem. 181 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,924 And if you get nervous, just do what I always do, 182 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,659 picture your audience naked. 183 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,795 Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Ahhh! 184 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,830 Get that enormous thing out of my face! 185 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,386 I'll be your loan officer, 186 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,934 so why don't you have a seat and tell me about your business? 187 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,759 Our business is cookies. Now let me ask you a question. 188 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,861 You ever heard of money? Yes. 189 00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,974 Good, good. We're on the same page. 190 00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,543 Now, sir, let me ask you something else. 191 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:57,001 Can you name one successful company that isn't cookie-based? 192 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,737 Microsoft. 193 00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,238 Peter, I'll handle this. 194 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:02,885 Uh, my husband and I would like to open a cookie store. 195 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:06,978 We've done all the research, and I'm very confident we can turn a profit. 196 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:10,482 I've brought some samples if you'd like to try one. 197 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,117 She said "one." Take one. 198 00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:16,721 Mmm. 199 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:20,358 Well, these are delicious. Let me just run this by my supervisor. 200 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:23,494 Yes! 201 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,363 Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, this bank would like 202 00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:27,165 to help you start your business. 203 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,868 Really? Oh, that's fantastic! 204 00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:33,871 And if you have any other questions, you can call me at any time. 205 00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:40,311 Hello? How far away are the stars? 206 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,052 Brian! Brian! 207 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:51,489 Hold... Hold on one second. I'll be right with you, Mr. Duckford. 208 00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:53,624 Brian! What? 209 00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:57,195 Let's order... I was just thinking, let's order a kebab. 210 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,997 A what? A kebab. 211 00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:05,036 But I want it in this order, vegetable, meat, meat, vegetable, meat. 212 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:09,640 And, um, Mr. Duckford would like some quackers. 213 00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:10,909 Can I leave now? 214 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,121 No, no, Bri... No, you can't. 215 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,411 Brian, I need your help. 216 00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:16,614 I've made a series of small poops in my bath, 217 00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:19,150 and I need you to scoop them out with this fishnet. 218 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,296 Yeah, I'm not doing that. 219 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,798 You have to. You're my butler. 220 00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,154 I'm not your butler. 221 00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,323 I know, but wouldn't it be great if you were? 222 00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:27,258 I'd be so happy. 223 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,828 In fact, the only thing that would make me happier 224 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:33,397 would be if this tub was filled with yaw-gurt. 225 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,466 Can you get me some yaw-gurt? 226 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,335 Is the yaw-gurt shop still open? 227 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:40,038 Is there some place to dial up yaw-gurt? 228 00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:41,217 Stop saying that. 229 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,721 What's the best skin yaw-gurt? 230 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:45,243 Who can prepare me a nice yaw-gurt treatment? 231 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,656 If you say it like that one more time, I'm gonna drown you. 232 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,413 Yaw-gurt. Ah. 233 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,950 See? You're not... You're not gonna do anything. 234 00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:55,820 Hey, hey, Brian, am I a good little guy? 235 00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:01,704 This space will be perfect, Peter. 236 00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:04,829 Yeah, it sure will, Lois. Now all we got to do is name the store. 237 00:11:04,897 --> 00:11:07,531 Oh! Oh, I got it. "Peter's Wife's Cookies." 238 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:10,234 I love it. And I love you. 239 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,848 Really? Yes. 240 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:15,573 You know, we did so-so building a family, but this business, 241 00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:17,909 I think we can really knock it out of the park. 242 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,511 Oh, we sure can, Lois. We're gonna be a great team. 243 00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,380 Like Moses and his buddy who liked to collect seashells. 244 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,520 Yay! 245 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,565 Oh, I can't believe it, Peter. Our first day of business. 246 00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,211 All right. Well, we have got work to do, 247 00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,301 so let's roll up our sleeves and get right to it. 248 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,070 There's a lot to do, 249 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:47,950 so we can't be afraid to just roll up our sleeves and get the job done. 250 00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:49,507 We can't be hands-off managers. 251 00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,475 We got to roll up our sleeves and just dig in. 252 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,455 Peter, your arms are turning purple. 253 00:11:53,479 --> 00:11:55,980 Purple with success. That's the color of money. 254 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,260 You got to do the work of two men and pay yourself for one. 255 00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:00,051 Just roll up those sleeves and address 256 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,853 the task at hand, whatever it may be, 257 00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:03,099 not shying away from the dirty work, 258 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,267 but just rolling up our sleeves and having at it. 259 00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,091 Success is not given. It is taken. 260 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,961 It's time to get in the game and get dirty. 261 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:12,263 All right, I'm going to lunch. 262 00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:19,036 Yes, I'd like a chocolate chip cookie. 263 00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,705 Elmer! What, Mom? 264 00:12:20,773 --> 00:12:23,519 You promised I could get a cookie if I finished all my surgery. 265 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:24,642 Did you? 266 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:25,743 Yeah. 267 00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,745 All of it? Um... 268 00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,146 Get back there. 269 00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:32,717 I'm gonna do it. What does it matter when I do it? 270 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,236 Lois, Lois, lock the door. Why? 271 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,770 It's that lady who comes in, tries a sample, 272 00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:43,139 and then whispers about how bad she is. 273 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,273 Hey. 274 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,198 Oh, my God, you have chocolate macadamia nut. 275 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,167 Oh, could I just try a little sample? 276 00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,101 Oh, I'm so bad. 277 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,636 Uh, sure. 278 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:54,316 You gonna buy a cookie this time? 279 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:58,576 Oh, I better just stick with the sample. I'm so bad. 280 00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:01,879 But at least I know I'm bad, so that makes me a little less bad. 281 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,181 Or worse. 282 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,851 That was the right thing to do, Peter. 283 00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,257 Oh, boy, it's been really slow. 284 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,193 I mean, if it doesn't pick up soon, 285 00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,128 we're not gonna stay in business very long. 286 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,531 Don't you worry, Lois, you keep baking, I'll drum up some business. 287 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,611 We just got to think outside the box, 288 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,580 like the makers of Dreyer's ice cream. 289 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,971 Guys, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. 290 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,450 When people go to the supermarket, 291 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:32,010 they need something to look at before they choose Haagen-Dazs. 292 00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:40,529 Hey, dude, can you pass me a speck of Spazz? 293 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,119 Sorry, brah, all out. 294 00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:43,832 You want a cube of Froosh? 295 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,434 Nah, I'm not into Froosh. 296 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,424 I got a tear of Laser Dragon. 297 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:48,759 Can I handle it? 298 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,128 I don't know. Can you? 299 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,034 I don't know what to do, you guys. 300 00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:59,037 The cookie shop is tanking. If it fails, we're screwed. 301 00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:01,972 My God, what does it take to get people to buy a damn cookie? 302 00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,419 Peter, let me tell you something. 303 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:07,011 I spend $600 a month on scented candles at the farmer's market 304 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,791 just because there's a hot chick selling them. 305 00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,048 So what are you saying? 306 00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:11,515 You just bragging about candles? 307 00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:12,929 That's a weird thing to brag about. 308 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,964 No, I'm saying sex sells. 309 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,366 Trust me, you get a few hotties in that cookie shop of yours, 310 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,301 I bet your sales will go up. 311 00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:20,402 Giggity. 312 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,538 That was an unearned giggity, Quagmire. 313 00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,963 I said "up." No? 314 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,776 No. No. 315 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,845 Well, I'll try anything, Quagmire, 'cause I actually like running that cookie shop. 316 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,838 It's way better than that job I had telemarketing to buttholes. 317 00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:36,273 Hello? Sorry, wrong number. 318 00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:38,643 Hello? Sorry, wrong number. 319 00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:42,013 And how are you today, sir? 320 00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:50,454 Oh, my God. Customers. 321 00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,191 What the hell? 322 00:14:57,296 --> 00:14:58,896 Peter, what did you do? 323 00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:00,464 I saved our business. 324 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,244 And don't worry, I only hired women 325 00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:03,946 whose names are cookie-related. 326 00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:09,107 Lois, meet Cookie, Sugar, Spice, Cinnamon, Brown Sugar and Butter. 327 00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:10,808 Oh, hey, Butter. 328 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,476 Some guys like Butter. 329 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,586 Peter, you turned our store into a strip club. 330 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,588 And I don't like what this place has become. 331 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,590 You mean hugely profitable? 332 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,526 We made all that today? 333 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,595 Well, it was twice as much, but I had to bail out Cinnamon's kid. 334 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:36,200 Thanks, Mr. Peter. This guy's the best. 335 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:39,603 Well, I guess business is better than ever. 336 00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,271 That's the spirit, Lois. 337 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:44,675 Just you watch, we'll be a bigger success than Richard Branson. 338 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,123 Hey, where's the business guy in this boardroom? 339 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,291 It couldn't be that tan, long-haired guy 340 00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:51,393 with the white linen pants, could it? 341 00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:52,494 It is! 342 00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:55,958 And now, to my amphibious sky submarine. 343 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:01,258 I have way too much money! 344 00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:12,002 Come on, get... Get down there, you old bag. 345 00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,372 There we go. 346 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,509 Stewie, what are you doing? 347 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:19,911 Being awesome. 348 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,494 Whoa, wait, wait. You're in no condition to drive. 349 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:28,519 I'm fine to drive. I'm so fine. You... 350 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:33,157 I can do all the tests. See? I can touch my nose. 351 00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,392 I can touch my head, 352 00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:37,562 shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. 353 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,496 Stop it. No, you stop it. 354 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:44,035 You stop it, Brian. You're interfering with my professional business. 355 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:47,672 Where's the radio? 356 00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:52,543 Oh, my God, are you okay? 357 00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:54,511 No. I don't feel so good. 358 00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:57,148 We should probably exchange numbers. 359 00:16:57,217 --> 00:17:01,185 Okay. I'm a 10, you're a four. 360 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,777 This one's our new chocolate, white chocolate, 361 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:21,104 and for every dozen we sell, we donate 50 cents to Operation Smile. 362 00:17:21,173 --> 00:17:22,718 Yeah, nobody's listening to you. 363 00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:26,276 They're all watching Sugar write frosting swears on her jugs. 364 00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:28,424 She just wrote "vagina" on her boobs. 365 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,492 That doesn't even make any sense. 366 00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:31,715 She's doing what? 367 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,517 I told her 10 minutes ago to put 368 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,218 another batch of oatmeal in the oven. 369 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:36,998 Oh, that dough is gone, Lois. 370 00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:40,135 I warmed it up and put it behind those waist-high holes in the wall. 371 00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:42,370 Is it spaghetti? A bowl of grapes? 372 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:45,196 Ooh, this is the best haunted house ever. 373 00:17:45,264 --> 00:17:47,264 Peter, this is disgusting. 374 00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,033 I know we made a few changes, 375 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,236 but this store should still be about selling cookies. 376 00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:54,817 Well, you're never gonna sell any looking like that. 377 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,141 There. Now you're ready to sell cookies. 378 00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:00,377 You know what? That's it. I'm done. 379 00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:03,080 I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this... 380 00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:04,982 Whatever this is now. 381 00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:06,929 It's a strip club that gives away free cookies. 382 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:07,953 Argh! 383 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,067 Oh, crap. 384 00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:24,969 I should've known something was up 385 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,804 when I saw all those cars out front. 386 00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:30,540 Stewie, why don't you come and have a seat with all your friends here? 387 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:31,854 We have something to say to you. 388 00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,244 I'll go first. 389 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:36,247 "Stewie, I remember the day you were born. 390 00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,148 "I thought to myself, 391 00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:41,096 "'Here's a kid who's got a white, empty canvas stretched out in front of him.'" 392 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,099 Oh, please. What... Who... What is this? 393 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:48,859 What is this, the circle of perfect people? Who are you to judge me? 394 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:52,930 Mr. Giraffe, who lets little boys grind on his rump. 395 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:56,834 Mr. Octopus, who lets little boys grind on his rump. 396 00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,881 Every one of you has your own problems. 397 00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:01,350 Yeah, but you're the only one who almost killed a kid yesterday. 398 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:04,474 Yeah, well, that's because that kid... 399 00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:08,478 That's because that kid... 400 00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:09,914 I know. 401 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,649 Oh, Brian. Who am I? 402 00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:16,553 I don't have a cough, and my sinuses are remarkably wide open. 403 00:19:16,622 --> 00:19:18,022 But I have a problem. 404 00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:19,957 Good. Admitting it is the first step. 405 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,825 But don't worry. I'll get you through it. 406 00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,260 Thank you, Brian. 407 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,661 You're welcome, Stewie. 408 00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,708 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Chris's room. 409 00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:28,732 We're doing a masturbation intervention. 410 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:31,335 I got a bunch of his friends sitting in a circle in there. 411 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,370 Oh, dear God. 412 00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:39,944 Oh, hey. 413 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:43,680 Lois, before you say anything, there's something important I want to tell you. 414 00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,249 After you left, I ate cookie dough 415 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,783 off the stomach of a 20-year-old, 416 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,931 and then I vomited and all the girls laughed at me, 417 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:51,655 and then it came out that they all think I'm fat and old. 418 00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,590 Is that it? 419 00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:58,996 I guess what I'm trying to say is, I was wrong to choose sexiness over my wife. 420 00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:01,176 Peter, what are you doing? What... What was that? 421 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,368 Oh, back at the store, I tucked my boner into the waistband of my pants, 422 00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:05,702 and now it's sitting weird. 423 00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,237 That's your apology? 424 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,007 Well, that and this. 425 00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:17,047 Oh, Peter, did... Did you bake this? 426 00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,649 Yeah. I love you, Lois. 427 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:23,454 I really liked having a store with you, and I'm sorry I messed it up. 428 00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:25,556 I was only trying to help. 429 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,491 I know, Peter. 430 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,471 So you want to split this with me? 431 00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:30,694 Uh, I wouldn't. 432 00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:33,897 Butter helped me with it, and she has chlamydia fingers. 433 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,848 Well, it was fun having our own store. 434 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:43,674 But from now on, my cookies are only for these customers. 435 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,876 Oh, Mom. 436 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,012 So, Mom, what are you gonna do with the shop? 437 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:51,849 Well, I talked to the bank, and they agreed to take it back. 438 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,528 Me love Cookie.